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Leaf Hat Blocks CIA Mind Control, Says Squirrel

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The CIA has a mind control program that uses high powered microwaves to peer into your brain and steal your thoughts. At least, that’s what one local squirrel believes.

According to a series of posts the squirrel made on Reddit, the CIA has been running this program since the mid-seventies, and in addition to mind reading, the government is also using it to control people’s thoughts. The squirrel claims that the CIA’s microwave antennas can be used to inject ideas directly into anyone’s head, causing them to believe things they wouldn’t normally believe.

But he has an ingenious and low-cost solution: microwave-blocking leaf hats.

When asked to comment on the squirrel’s theory, area park ranger Gerry Collins said, “Yeah, that’s just a leaf. It doesn’t do anything. That squirrel is crazy, man.”

The Fluffington Post has reached out to the squirrel for more details about the CIA program, as well as the source of his information. We’ll update this post if and when we hear back.

Via Notbob1234.

Squirrel Presidential Election Swings into High Gear

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Later this year squirrels will head to the polls to choose a new leader and the choice could not be more stark. 

On the one hand there’s Scooter, whose platform hinges on a pledge not to raise nut or acorn taxes. On the other there’s Terry, whose program for urban park renewal (10,000 new oak trees in America’s five largest cities by 2020) is popular, but pricey. 

Beyond policy, neither candidate is very well liked. Scooter has sent out a number of offensive social media messages, while Terry has been dogged by scandal after scandal his entire career. Right now, pundits say the election is a toss-up.

“We really don’t know what will happen this year,” said Kerry Woodruff, senior rodent politics analyst at CNN, which will televise the squirrel’s first debate later this month. “But it’s a two party system, so what’re voters gonna do?”

Via i124qnds.

Mouse Suspends Presidential Campaign

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After a disappointing finish in the New Hampshire primary yesterday, Wimbley the mouse announced he is suspending his presidential campaign. The mouse spent over three months and $4 million campaigning in the state, holding over 75 town halls.

“He made the risky decision to skip Iowa and focus completely on New Hampshire,” said CNN political analyst Marylin Fry. “Unfortunately it didn’t work and there’s just no path to the nomination for Wimbley.”

According to sources close to the campaign, Wimbley was counting on being able to take a large percentage of the rodent vote in the Granite State. That vote is usually locked up by perennial candidate Vermin Supreme, whose name literally highlights his prowess among rodent voters. 

Wimbley did not attract enough voters on his side, though, and ended up finishing behind Supreme by about 100 votes.

“That’s not actually so bad, though,” explained Fry. “I mean, Jim Gilmore also got fewer votes than Vermin Supreme, and Gilmore was a governor.”

Via Marty’s Mouse House.