After a month of lotions, creams, hair volumizers, a vegan diet and early bedtimes, Stacy, a local guinea pig, is pleased with the results of her new beauty regimen.
“We all live such busy lives, it can be hard to find time to really pamper yourself,” says Amanda Dooling, a wellness counselor who tipped Stacy off to the new lifestyle. “Stacy has really embraced it, and she’s feeling better about herself every time she looks in the mirror.”
So much so that the guinea pig has started a blog to chronicle her journey of self-affirmation and skin care.
“I read it every day,” says Colleen Samson, a fan who follows Stacy online. “It inspires me to be my best self.”
Gossip around the upside down water bottle is that Mirabelle the guinea pig’s dinner party last week did not go well.
“Details are still a little sketchy and there are a lot of conflicting reports,” said insider Gail Collins, “but basically guests felt that the party was kind of awkward and way too long.”
According to Collins, friends of the piggy that were in attendance said the seating arrangements were just completely off.
“My sources tell me, for example, that Mirabelle sat the Chuck the hamster right next to Spot the family dog,” said Collins. “As you’re probably aware, Spot tried to eat Chuck last week, so that’s just a huge faux pas.”
Others complained that the party should have ended after the fifth course, but Mirabelle served a full nine courses, which dragged the dinner well past midnight. Most of those courses, according to Collins, were some variation on cucumbers or iceberg lettuce.
Just a week after the New York Times told the world via Twitter to add peas to their guacamole and the Internet had a collective freakout, the paper of record is at it again. This time, the paper’s Twitter account sent out a bizarre tweet this morning about putting a cherry on top of guinea pigs.
Obviously, this isn’t a recipe and the newspaper doesn’t expect us to eat guinea pigs – the link goes to an article in the Times Style section about avant-garde guinea pig fashion – but this is nonetheless a second strange tweet in as many weeks from the paper. The response has been predictably mixed.
“LOL, wut? No piggy I know would be caught dead wearing a cherry as a hat!!” tweeted noted guinea pig fashion expert, and Vogue contributor Miles Jones.
“I mean, I guess kind of cute. But what the heck, @nytimes?” responded Fashionista pets editor Tawny Chu.
Even President Barack Obama weighed in, tweeting: “@nytimes Love and respect you, but this just looks weird.”
We’re left wondering, who is running the social accounts at The New York Times these days?
Your birthday only comes once per year, and that’s why Mr. Bagel the chinchilla had no regrets about ordering a second dessert almond on a recent trip to his favorite restaurant.
“Almonds aren’t usually something Mr. Bagel eats a lot of,” said close friend Nelson Koski. “Don’t get me wrong, he loves almonds – raw, smoked, Jordan, you name it.”
So what’s the problem? For one, almonds don’t really fit with the diet his chinchilla friend has been on – mostly chinchilla pellets, some grass hay, a few fruits here and there.
“He’s dropped a half an ounce in four months on that diet,” said Koski. “He looks fantastic.”
The other reason is environmental. Mr. Bagel has concerns over the outsized water impact that almonds have in drought-stricken California, where over 80% of the world’s almonds are grown.
“He definitely worries about that, and he’s trying to do his part by really limiting his almond intake,” Koski explained. “He’s been working on a bag of mixed nuts he bought at Trader Joe’s three years ago, and he’s still only eaten half.”
Still, the chinchilla definitely doesn’t regret his splurge during his birthday dinner.
“Your birthday is special,” Koski said. “Sometimes you’ve got to live a little, you know?”