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Leaf Hat Blocks CIA Mind Control, Says Squirrel

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The CIA has a mind control program that uses high powered microwaves to peer into your brain and steal your thoughts. At least, that’s what one local squirrel believes.

According to a series of posts the squirrel made on Reddit, the CIA has been running this program since the mid-seventies, and in addition to mind reading, the government is also using it to control people’s thoughts. The squirrel claims that the CIA’s microwave antennas can be used to inject ideas directly into anyone’s head, causing them to believe things they wouldn’t normally believe.

But he has an ingenious and low-cost solution: microwave-blocking leaf hats.

When asked to comment on the squirrel’s theory, area park ranger Gerry Collins said, “Yeah, that’s just a leaf. It doesn’t do anything. That squirrel is crazy, man.”

The Fluffington Post has reached out to the squirrel for more details about the CIA program, as well as the source of his information. We’ll update this post if and when we hear back.

Via Notbob1234.

Dog Remains Unconvinced Mystery Noise Is “House Settling”

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It happened late on Friday evening. Ned the dog was minding his own business, chewing on some Dentastix, when he heard a sudden, loud creaking noise coming from upstairs.

Sources close to the situation tell The Fluffington Post that Ned immediately jumped up and began barking hysterically.

“He was going for near on 30 minutes,” said neighbor Connor Pilcher. “I didn’t hear what set him off, on account of I live next door, but boy did I hear him bark. Just barked bloody murder for a good long time. 30 minutes at least, like I said.”

Family members were eventually able to quiet Ned, and a subsequent investigation found that the noise he heard was just the house settling. Ned isn’t convinced of that assessment.

“He’s not buying that for one minute,” said Sarah Fleuger, a lawyer speaking on behalf of the dog. “Houses don’t just ‘settle’ … this was clearly a provocation and we’re looking into our legal options. Ned suffered a significant trauma and he hasn’t be able to get comfortable on his doggie bed since.”

Via woofshark.

Area Cat Has Serious Case of the Mondays

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There’s only one thing Millie the cat hates more than the vacuum, and that’s Monday morning.

After a long weekend spent sleeping, napping, grooming, preening, sleeping, and napping, the last thing Millie wants to do is drag herself out of bed.

“I mean, I get it, none of us like getting out of a warm bed and trudging off to work,” said roommate Carly Hutchison. “But that’s the thing: Mille is a cat. She doesn’t go to work.”

Hutchison said an average Monday for the kitty is a lot like any other day: lots of sleeping and napping packed around eating and stretching.

Still… this cat is clearly ready to go back to bed.

Via giffgaff98.

Guillermo del Toro’s Next Movie, “The Shape of Cats,” Is a Go

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Fresh off his Oscar win for “The Shape of Water,” writer/director Guillermo del Toro has reportedly secured funding for a sequel called, “The Shape of Cats.”

According to Deadline.com, del Toro has began writing the movie while making “Pacific Rim,” but decided to hold off until he felt special effects technology was up to the task of matching his vision. “The Shape of Cats” will begin shooting this summer in Georgia and distributors are already lining up to bid for it.

“Once you have an Academy Award you can pretty much do what you want,” said film critic Layla Vega. “Del Toro is hot right now, and when you marry his name to a subject as timeless as cats… lookout. This could be the biggest film of 2019.”

Via gDisasters.

Cat is Fourth Pet to Resign from White House in a Year

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Waffles the cat, who joined the White House as senior national security kitten in October, has resigned. Maggie Haberman of the New York Times broke the story overnight.

This is the fourth major pet departure from the White House in just over a year. A few months ago, Waffles replaced Whiskers, who left abruptly after reports surfaced that she had spent $24,000 on a new litter box for her office.

“Waffles was supposed to be a steadying force in the White House,” said Alan Cockrell, a senior policy fellow at the Council on Foreign Relations. “Where Whiskers had a reputation as a no-holds-barred, chase-every-laser-pointer-she-sees kind of kitty, Waffles was known to have a more of a ‘find a good sun spot an take a nap’ kind of disposition.”

His departure from the administration is unexpected, but not totally surprising. 

“Pets just haven’t lasted long in this administration,” said Cockrell. “It’s a fairly chaotic place and these cats can find better opportunities in the private sector.”

Simon & Schuster has reportedly offered Waffles a seven-figure book deal.

Via danrah.