The Fluffington Post

Crowley, a kitten from Burlington, VT, is constantly coming up with nefarious plans, sources tell The Fluffington Post. But recently he’s become convinced that no one takes his scheming seriously.

“He started with small things, like hiding the dog’s food,” said a source close to the situation who wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisal. “Since the pandemic, though, he’s had a lot of extra time on his paws and his plots have gotten more grandiose. Like last week we found plans for extorting neighborhood pets in some sort of protection racket.”

Yet, even with the gravity of Crowley’s machinations, he’s grown frustrated that his behavior is not treated with more urgency.

“I mean, look, do we want Crowley to defraud all the pets in the neighborhood? No, of course not,” said the source. “But, he’s so damn cute. Evil or not, it’s basically impossible not to just pick him up and smother him with cuddles.”

via u/Squirrels_dont_build

The pandemic has been a boon for Bruce, a cat from Bryn Mawr, PA whose socially distanced walking tour company has taken off.

Launched with little fanfare in mid-2019, the walking tours have become a go-to activity for families looking for a safe way to spend some time together over the past couple of years.

“His timing couldn’t have been better,” says friend Nicole Martinez. “I mean, some days he grapples with the moral implications of making money off a global pandemic. But most of the time he’s just happy he’s helping people have fun safely.”

Bruce currently offers two tours under his Bryn Pawr Walking Tours brand (we know, groan). One highlights all the houses with angry dogs, while the other is a three hour round trip walk with stops at the place where Bruce once found a mouse, and the front porch of a friend’s house where he left it as a present.

Tours run daily through the end of the year.

via u/abacad_rex

If there’s one thing you wouldn’t expect to hear from a quiet suburban backyard at 2am, it’s polka music. But residents on the social network NextDoor have reported late-night accordion music blasting from Miller Place.

“I woke up to such a racket,” says Jeffrey Berger, a neighborhood resident. “It sounded like someone was being murdered. So I put on pants and ran down the street.”

Those screams were nothing more than the elated cries of dancing cats, getting down to the sweet sounds of polka.

“They had hired a one-man-band to play for hours,” Berger tells The Fluffington Post. “It was the middle of the night, and there are cats dancing everywhere.”

Berger was not the only concerned resident. At least a dozen posts on NextDoor alluded to the commotion, most asking what was going on, while others more irate.

“WTF is happening on Miller?” wrote one concerned citizen. “It sounds like Weird Al is being mauled by cougars!!”

The party has since dispersed, and no attendees could be reached for comment by press time.

via u/emoposer