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Area Pelican Reevaluates Life Choices

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After a weekend of hard partying that ended in a county jail cell, Carl the pelican is taking a hard look at his life, according to friends. 

The California Highway Patrol was called to a rest stop outside of Truckee, CA on early Sunday morning where the pelican was causing a disturbance. 

“He came in here, stinking of fish,” said Quik-Mart owner Laquan Steeples. “He was flapping around, knocking things off the shelves. Generally just causing a huge mess.”

Steeples said the pelican absconded with 10 boxes of frozen fish sticks without paying. That’s when the shop owner called the police.

“He’s had a rough year since being laid off from his job as a greeter on a dinner cruise in Lake Tahoe,” said close friend Valerie Camden. “We lost track of him Saturday night, but I saw him seven, maybe eight shrimp cocktails. He knows he messed up. This is rock bottom for sure.”

Via CHP – Truckee. H/T turn-down-for-what.

Bird Loses Broadway Part Due to Overuse of “Jazz Hands”

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Terrence, a gull and aspiring dancer from Manhattan Beach, CA, lost out on a part in what would have been his first Broadway production due to his overuse of jazz hands.

“Look, he’s a good dancer, and I think he has the emotional range to pull off the part,” said producer Jessa Fleur, “But his moves are just really old school.”

According to Fleur, the bird was actually among the final five to receive a second round of call-backs, but ultimately they decided to go with a Chickadee from upstate New York whose audition struck a more modern tone.

“Terrence is amazing,” said Alan Wit, who worked with the bird during his run as an understudy for the off-Broadway hit show STOMP. “He’s going places, for sure. But, does his repertoire need updating? Sure, I could see that.”

Representatives for the bird said in a statement that Terrence was “disappointed” but would “keep working hard at his craft.”

Via aeverro.

Area Swan Loving New Flamingo Workout Routine

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He tried Zumba. He tried spinning. He tried Barre. None of today’s hot workout fads helped Stanley the swan lose the extra few holiday pounds he’d been carrying since a particularly raucous 4th of July party earlier this year. But a new routine developed by a flamingo personal trainer in Florida called “Leg Up” may be the exercise Stanley has been seeking.

“He’d just gotten back into town after spending the winter down south,” said friend Janice Cooper of the 4th of July party. “He went a little crazy. Ate about two or three loaves of bread. It’s been a struggle to lose the weight since.”

Cooper said the bird attended his first Leg Up class last week and so far loves it.

“It’s a lot of temperature regulation and neck exercises,” she explained. “But he’s already down a couple of ounces. As long as he also stays away from old people on park benches, he should be able to keep it off.”

Via beccapizza.

Baby Chicken Singing Trio Wows on ‘America’s Got Talent’

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Henrietta, Flo and Bonnie – remember those names. They make up the new all chicken singing group, Hensanity, and they killed it this week on America’s Got Talent.

Performing a cover of the Rufus Thomas song, “Do The Funky Chicken,” the chicks impressed judges with both their vocals and their dance moves.

“I just love you,” said Mel B. “You’re adorable and these birds can dance.”

The only judge who wasn’t impressed was Howard Stern, who thought the choice of music was cliche. He pressed his “X” button mid-way through their performance.

“They’re chickens, they dance, they sing, who hasn’t seen that before?” he said. “I’m sorry, I just don’t see how this is a million dollar act.” 

Via kookieandkipper_minipigs.