Later this year squirrels will head to the polls to choose a new leader and the choice could not be more stark.
On the one hand there’s Scooter, whose platform hinges on a pledge not to raise nut or acorn taxes. On the other there’s Terry, whose program for urban park renewal (10,000 new oak trees in America’s five largest cities by 2020) is popular, but pricey.
Beyond policy, neither candidate is very well liked. Scooter has sent out a number of offensive social media messages, while Terry has been dogged by scandal after scandal his entire career. Right now, pundits say the election is a toss-up.
“We really don’t know what will happen this year,” said Kerry Woodruff, senior rodent politics analyst at CNN, which will televise the squirrel’s first debate later this month. “But it’s a two party system, so what’re voters gonna do?”