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Leaf Hat Blocks CIA Mind Control, Says Squirrel

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The CIA has a mind control program that uses high powered microwaves to peer into your brain and steal your thoughts. At least, that’s what one local squirrel believes.

According to a series of posts the squirrel made on Reddit, the CIA has been running this program since the mid-seventies, and in addition to mind reading, the government is also using it to control people’s thoughts. The squirrel claims that the CIA’s microwave antennas can be used to inject ideas directly into anyone’s head, causing them to believe things they wouldn’t normally believe.

But he has an ingenious and low-cost solution: microwave-blocking leaf hats.

When asked to comment on the squirrel’s theory, area park ranger Gerry Collins said, “Yeah, that’s just a leaf. It doesn’t do anything. That squirrel is crazy, man.”

The Fluffington Post has reached out to the squirrel for more details about the CIA program, as well as the source of his information. We’ll update this post if and when we hear back.

Via Notbob1234.

Squirrel Presidential Election Swings into High Gear

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Later this year squirrels will head to the polls to choose a new leader and the choice could not be more stark. 

On the one hand there’s Scooter, whose platform hinges on a pledge not to raise nut or acorn taxes. On the other there’s Terry, whose program for urban park renewal (10,000 new oak trees in America’s five largest cities by 2020) is popular, but pricey. 

Beyond policy, neither candidate is very well liked. Scooter has sent out a number of offensive social media messages, while Terry has been dogged by scandal after scandal his entire career. Right now, pundits say the election is a toss-up.

“We really don’t know what will happen this year,” said Kerry Woodruff, senior rodent politics analyst at CNN, which will televise the squirrel’s first debate later this month. “But it’s a two party system, so what’re voters gonna do?”

Via i124qnds.

Squirrel Squatter Evicted

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Squirrel Squatter Evicted

by Scott Friedstein, FluffPo Correspondent

According to sources, notorious squatter Lenny the squirrel has finally been shown the door. His latest victim tells The Fluffington Post that the eviction was a long time coming.

“He showed up one day looking for a place to stay,” says Phil Suarez. “I couldn’t really say no. He was cute and his tail was really fluffy. The $900 a month rent seemed agreeable to him.”

Unfortunately for Suarez, Lenny would soon prove to be one of the worst roommates ever.

“He basically just sat on the couch and ate nuts all day,” says the longtime Astoria, Queens resident. “Oh yeah, and he didn’t pay rent. That was kind of the kicker. I decided to do some digging, and apparently he’d been doing this for years. I had to tell him we were through.”

Lenny was reportedly cooperative, albeit irritated. 

“I guess he didn’t like me interrupting his ‘Dr. Who’ marathon,” says Suarez. “But he knew what was coming. He packed his tiny suitcase and was out the door without without much fanfare. I just hope the next guy has better foresight.”

Via Furburg1.

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BREAKING: Squirrel May Have Been Spotted

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BREAKING: Squirrel May Have Been Spotted

The squirrel community is on high alert today after reports that one of their own may have been spotted while on a nut gathering mission in the backyard.

The Fluffington Post has obtained surveillance photos taken by Squirrel Team Alpha, the elite nut procurement intelligence agency within the squirrel nation.

“Team Alpha monitors their agents very closely,” said squirrel expert Professor Keith Hanson from Fordham University. “They watch the squirrels they have in the field to make sure they can pull them out quickly if anything goes wrong.”

Hanson thinks this may have been part of a training exercise, though.

“If they were on true high alert, and these photos actually leaked, I think you’d see a squirrel community on total lock down,” he said. “As it is, I saw at least twelve squirrels in the park on my walk over here.”

Via Corey Seeman.