Ford Unveils New Kitten Dash System

At a press event on Tuesday, Ford Motor Company revealed its latest high-tech vehicle upgrade, a project it has kept a tight lid on for more than two years of development.

“We are thrilled to unveil a piece of proprietary technology we’re extremely proud of,” said Ford’s consumer relations head Malcolm Cherrywood on stage at the event. “The Kitten Dash System will change the way you drive.”

Cherrywood pulled a tarp off of the prototype and cued up a presentation on the screen above him. “How many times have you been cruising along, thinking to yourself, ‘I wish there was a kitten giving me directions up here’?” Cherrywood posed to the crowd. “Well Ford has heard your cries. The Kitten Dash System is an all-in-one GPS, AM/FM radio, Bluetooth enabled, touch-fur package that will get you where you need to go, or just provide some much-needed cuddles when you’re stuck in traffic.”

Cherrywood said the System will be available in all premium Ford vehicles by the fall of 2014.

Via camibarrera.

PHOTO OP: Cross-Eyed Cutie

Via tomiinya.

PHOTO OP: Did Somebody Order a Cute Kitty?

Via dagcancelik.

Newborn Kitten Wins Powerball Jackpot

News of the rising Powerball prize had the entire country excited last week, and none more so than Roger, a days-old kitten from Florida who zipped out to a local convenience store as soon as he learned to open his eyes.

“Personally, I think he should have focused on eating and getting comfortable on four legs,” says Miranda Chambers, a neighbor. “But he was determined to get that ticket!”

It certainly paid off. Roger is the sole winner of the $590 million jackpot.

“Not bad for being alive less than a week,” says Chambers.

Friends of the kitten say he will use the money to pay off some credit card debt, take care of his family, buy a helicopter, and donate the rest to charity.

Submitted by Kitty Moreau.

PHOTO OP: Afternoon Nap

Via solomangrundle.

Radioactive Cat Acquires Lame Super Power

A cat named Bailey was excited to learn he had been exposed to radioactive sewage on a recent vacation in Japan.

“Most cats would be a little freaked out to know they were radioactive,” says John Herling, a friend of the feline. “Not Bailey. He started making plans for the superhero lifestyle — a cool name, spandex costume, crime fighting gadgets — the works.”

Though his doctors stressed the seriousness of his condition, and that acquiring paranormal abilities is not the norm, Bailey was unfazed. It turns out his health is fine, and he did gain a super power. But not one from his wish list.

“He can become rainbow colored,” says Herling. “He can turn it off and on at will. It’s great for parties, but it doesn’t really help with crime fighting. He’s really bummed about it. He’s been moping around since last Tuesday when he found out. If you see a sad, furry rainbow in the corner, that’s probably him, sulking.”

Via actualmarc, originally published on HelloGiggles.

Cat Puts Left Paw In, Refuses to Shake It All About

In what’s already being called “PokeyGate” by the local press, a cat named Smithers stunned onlookers yesterday when he refused to follow instructions during a heated round of hokey pokey.

According to several reports, Smithers put his left paw in when instructed, but then flouted repeated requests to “shake it all about.”

“The rules exist for a reason,” said hokey pokey expert Steve Randolph. “He made a mockery of game. There should be swift and severe penalties from the IHPB.”

The IHPB — or International Hokey Pokey Board — which governs professional play worldwide, has not yet reached a decision about any punishment for Smithers.

Via stokesy67.

PHOTO OP: In Hiding

Via peppegio89.

Kitty Regrets Spending Life Savings on Promoted Tweets

Though they are definitely part of the 1%, cats have never been known as great money managers.  They tend to come from old money, and they’re terrible at spending it wisely.

With the advent of the Internet, there are more ways than ever for cats to blow their fortunes.

It should be no surprise, then, that a cat named Aisha spent her entire life savings on promoted tweets. 

“What really boggles my mind,” said Joe Ramirez, a financial manager who attempted to dissuade the kitty from spending her money on the tweets, “is that she wasn’t even promoting anything that would make her more money. It was just jokes and memes.”

Aisha has moved back in with her mom. She did not wish to comment for this piece, except to convey that she regrets spending so much money on Twitter marketing.

Via carolsales__.