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Area Cat’s New Year’s Resolution of 2560×1440 Holding Steady

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Psychologists will tell you, most New Year’s resolutions start to fade around February or March. But not for one steadfast feline. When the clock struck midnight on December 31, 2020, Marty made a commitment.

“He decided it was time for an upgrade,” says Kate Heinz, Marty’s longtime life coach. “He’s been displaying at 1080p for the last 8 years. That’s fine for most cats. It’s HD.”

But in 2021, Marty went 2K.

“That’s a 1440p resolution,” says Heinz. “Not all the way to 4K. That would be too much of a leap. As I told him: Set attainable goals.”

And so far, Marty has held on to his native 2560×1440 resolution since that fateful day.

“It’s not easy,” Heinz elaborates. “That’s a lot of pixels. But I believe in Marty, and more importantly, he believes in himself.”

via place where cat shouldn’t be

Cat Has Existential Breakdown After Learning He Is AI-Generated

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It was just another day for Muffles, an area cat who enjoys squirrel watching, scratching his favorite armchair, and CrossFit.

That idyllic life ground to a halt when he discovered a new website.

“He stepped on the keyboard by accident,” says Walter Kratt, a source close to the situation. “It must have loaded a bookmark.”

The site in question is called This Cat Does Not Exist, and it uses artificial intelligence (specifically a generative adversarial network, or “GAN”) to create incredibly realistic images of cats that don’t exist in real life.

“Muffles refreshed the site a few times and … there he was,” Kratt explained, holding back some emotions.

Looking back from the Web browser was a picture of Muffles himself, down to every fine whisker.

“He’s freaking out right now,” says Kratt, who stepped in to support Muffles at this difficult time. “I mean, I’m pretty sure he’s real. He’s right here next to me. But being generated by AI puts a lot in doubt.”

Muffles himself could not be reached for comment, but his family says he’s taking the time he needs to come to grips with a new phase of his life.

Via This Cat Does Not Exist, by way of The Verge.

Leaf Hat Blocks CIA Mind Control, Says Squirrel

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The CIA has a mind control program that uses high powered microwaves to peer into your brain and steal your thoughts. At least, that’s what one local squirrel believes.

According to a series of posts the squirrel made on Reddit, the CIA has been running this program since the mid-seventies, and in addition to mind reading, the government is also using it to control people’s thoughts. The squirrel claims that the CIA’s microwave antennas can be used to inject ideas directly into anyone’s head, causing them to believe things they wouldn’t normally believe.

But he has an ingenious and low-cost solution: microwave-blocking leaf hats.

When asked to comment on the squirrel’s theory, area park ranger Gerry Collins said, “Yeah, that’s just a leaf. It doesn’t do anything. That squirrel is crazy, man.”

The Fluffington Post has reached out to the squirrel for more details about the CIA program, as well as the source of his information. We’ll update this post if and when we hear back.

Via Notbob1234.

Dog Remains Unconvinced Mystery Noise Is “House Settling”

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It happened late on Friday evening. Ned the dog was minding his own business, chewing on some Dentastix, when he heard a sudden, loud creaking noise coming from upstairs.

Sources close to the situation tell The Fluffington Post that Ned immediately jumped up and began barking hysterically.

“He was going for near on 30 minutes,” said neighbor Connor Pilcher. “I didn’t hear what set him off, on account of I live next door, but boy did I hear him bark. Just barked bloody murder for a good long time. 30 minutes at least, like I said.”

Family members were eventually able to quiet Ned, and a subsequent investigation found that the noise he heard was just the house settling. Ned isn’t convinced of that assessment.

“He’s not buying that for one minute,” said Sarah Fleuger, a lawyer speaking on behalf of the dog. “Houses don’t just ‘settle’ … this was clearly a provocation and we’re looking into our legal options. Ned suffered a significant trauma and he hasn’t be able to get comfortable on his doggie bed since.”

Via woofshark.

Area Cat Has Serious Case of the Mondays

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There’s only one thing Millie the cat hates more than the vacuum, and that’s Monday morning.

After a long weekend spent sleeping, napping, grooming, preening, sleeping, and napping, the last thing Millie wants to do is drag herself out of bed.

“I mean, I get it, none of us like getting out of a warm bed and trudging off to work,” said roommate Carly Hutchison. “But that’s the thing: Mille is a cat. She doesn’t go to work.”

Hutchison said an average Monday for the kitty is a lot like any other day: lots of sleeping and napping packed around eating and stretching.

Still… this cat is clearly ready to go back to bed.

Via giffgaff98.