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Friends: Guinea Pig’s Dinner Party  ‘Awkward and Too Long’

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Gossip around the upside down water bottle is that Mirabelle the guinea pig’s dinner party last week did not go well.

“Details are still a little sketchy and there are a lot of conflicting reports,” said insider Gail Collins, “but basically guests felt that the party was kind of awkward and way too long.”

According to Collins, friends of the piggy that were in attendance said the seating arrangements were just completely off.

“My sources tell me, for example, that Mirabelle sat the Chuck the hamster right next to Spot the family dog,” said Collins. “As you’re probably aware, Spot tried to eat Chuck last week, so that’s just a huge faux pas.” 

Others complained that the party should have ended after the fifth course, but Mirabelle served a full nine courses, which dragged the dinner well past midnight. Most of those courses, according to Collins, were some variation on cucumbers or iceberg lettuce.

Via mirabelle_and_bergamote.

Sonic Has Managed to Avoid Spotlight in Retirement

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Following his massively successful career as a video game star, Sonic the Hedgehog has largely managed to stay out of the limelight in his retirement. That’s surprising, according to Paul McKnight, his biographer. 

Though “Sonic the Hedgehog”-brand games are still being released, the franchise has been fronted by a revolving door of young hedgehog actors since Sonic’s retirement in 2004.

McKnight’s new book, Golden Rings: The Inside Story of the Most Famous Hedgehog in the World, which is due out next month, reveals the sordid details of Sonic’s rise to fame. 

“He actually auditioned for a Frogger remake in the late 80s before landing the Sonic gig in 1991,” said McKnight via telephone. “And it was an instant hit. He made a fortune literally overnight, and didn’t really know how to deal with it.”

In the book, McKnight details Sonic’s multi-year struggle with highly addictive “chaos emeralds,” as well as financial problems following his ill-advised purchase of the Mike Tyson estate in 1999. Yet since retirement, Sonic has mostly stayed out of the public eye.

“He lives on a farm in upstate New York,” said McKnight. “He grows carrots and has some goats. I didn’t think he could get it together, but it’s nice that he has. It’s a good life.”

Via Narisa.

Analysts: Cat’s Fort Is Impenetrable

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Security analysts at the University of Texas have reviewed the construction of Jinx’s pillow and sheet fort, and rated it an A+.

“It’s virtually impenetrable,” Dr. Geoffrey Zucker tells The Fluffington Post. “There’s no way you’re getting in there. And we know a thing or two about forts here in Texas. You know, because of the Alamo.”

The rating is based on a number of factors, including layout, materials, and overall visibility of entrances, exits and weak points.

“I’ve been reviewing the thing for 12 days, and I still have no idea how to get in or out,” says Dr. Lisa Childress, another UT analyst who concurred with the team’s rating. “That s**t is air tight,” she added.

via attigrib