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Mouse Suspends Presidential Campaign

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After a disappointing finish in the New Hampshire primary yesterday, Wimbley the mouse announced he is suspending his presidential campaign. The mouse spent over three months and $4 million campaigning in the state, holding over 75 town halls.

“He made the risky decision to skip Iowa and focus completely on New Hampshire,” said CNN political analyst Marylin Fry. “Unfortunately it didn’t work and there’s just no path to the nomination for Wimbley.”

According to sources close to the campaign, Wimbley was counting on being able to take a large percentage of the rodent vote in the Granite State. That vote is usually locked up by perennial candidate Vermin Supreme, whose name literally highlights his prowess among rodent voters. 

Wimbley did not attract enough voters on his side, though, and ended up finishing behind Supreme by about 100 votes.

“That’s not actually so bad, though,” explained Fry. “I mean, Jim Gilmore also got fewer votes than Vermin Supreme, and Gilmore was a governor.”

Via Marty’s Mouse House.

Doggy Date Ends Awkwardly

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A date between two area dogs was going well, until one let his nose wander. 

Friends say the two dogs, Rufus and Cleo, who met on Tinder, hit it off and were cruising toward a second date until Rufus started sniffing around in the middle of dinner.

“It was impulse,” said Travis Finnick, Rufus’s roommate. “He’s a very friendly dog. The waitress came over to refill their water dishes and of course he’s going to sniff her butt. He was just saying hello!”

Cleo’s friends don’t see it that way.

“It’s friendly, sure, but you have to put it in context,” said Charlene Lee. “They’re on a date. Keep your nose forward.”

She added, “There’s no other way to say this: Rufus is a dog.”

Via keatno_pizza.

Local Cat Bitten by Spider, Becomes Super Hero

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A local kitten, whose identity is unknown at this time, was reportedly bitten by a spider yesterday and is now exhibiting “super hero-like behaviors.”

Sources close to the situation say the cat has been literally climbing walls and swinging from building to building.

“He’s been spotted all over the city,” said police commissioner Sara Burellis. “We’ve had calls about his hanging from the rafters at a Whole Foods, jumping from car to car on 11th Street, and scaling the Chase Bank Building.”

Know one knows exactly how the kitty gained his powers, but scientists who study super heroism have a theory.

“It was 99% a spider bite,” said Lamont Quimby, a professor of superology at the University of Iowa. “There’s a very small chance it might have been some sort of bat, but the evidence really points to spider.”

Via lessons_learnt.