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Area Pelican Reevaluates Life Choices

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After a weekend of hard partying that ended in a county jail cell, Carl the pelican is taking a hard look at his life, according to friends. 

The California Highway Patrol was called to a rest stop outside of Truckee, CA on early Sunday morning where the pelican was causing a disturbance. 

“He came in here, stinking of fish,” said Quik-Mart owner Laquan Steeples. “He was flapping around, knocking things off the shelves. Generally just causing a huge mess.”

Steeples said the pelican absconded with 10 boxes of frozen fish sticks without paying. That’s when the shop owner called the police.

“He’s had a rough year since being laid off from his job as a greeter on a dinner cruise in Lake Tahoe,” said close friend Valerie Camden. “We lost track of him Saturday night, but I saw him seven, maybe eight shrimp cocktails. He knows he messed up. This is rock bottom for sure.”

Via CHP – Truckee. H/T turn-down-for-what.

Area Cat Wanted for Death of House Plant

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Chicago police are on the lookout for a striped, long-haired cat named Lilian who was last seen not watering the fern she was explicitly left in charge of.

“That plant is long gone,” Alfred Cotts tells The Fluffington Post. “Lilian had one job: Keep the fern alive. But she spent all her time popping in and out of a cardboard box. She didn’t water it, or sing to it at all.”

A warrant for Lilian’s arrest has been issued by the Chicago PD, connected to two charges of willful neglect and one charge of first degree plantslaughter.

via @MelissaAlesi

Squirrel Presidential Election Swings into High Gear

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Later this year squirrels will head to the polls to choose a new leader and the choice could not be more stark. 

On the one hand there’s Scooter, whose platform hinges on a pledge not to raise nut or acorn taxes. On the other there’s Terry, whose program for urban park renewal (10,000 new oak trees in America’s five largest cities by 2020) is popular, but pricey. 

Beyond policy, neither candidate is very well liked. Scooter has sent out a number of offensive social media messages, while Terry has been dogged by scandal after scandal his entire career. Right now, pundits say the election is a toss-up.

“We really don’t know what will happen this year,” said Kerry Woodruff, senior rodent politics analyst at CNN, which will televise the squirrel’s first debate later this month. “But it’s a two party system, so what’re voters gonna do?”

Via i124qnds.