Police: Southwest Corner of Mattress a Hotbed of Cat Gang Activity

Police: Southwest Corner of Mattress a Hotbed of Cat Gang Activity

By Mirandate, FluffPo Correspondent

Police have identified the southwest corner of the mattress as a “hotbed of cat gang activity,” Precinct Captain Scott Reddin said in a press release. The area is under surveillance, and citizens are asked to report any suspicious activity, such as loitering, snoozing, grooming, drooling, vomiting, or scratching.

“Cat gang activity is difficult to define,” warned Reddin, “since by definition, cat gang activity is actually inactivity. The public is advised to document any and all activity to our hotline or on our website. All tips are confidential!”

Captain Reddin also noted that cat gang activity in the area is predicted to temporarily decline on Sunday, when the sheets will be changed and the notorious Tuna4Lyfe crew will be forced to seek another base, likely somewhere under the couch. Then, the gang – suspected in several vandalism and loitering incidents – will likely regroup and get back to old tricks. Said Reddin, “Unfortunately, eliminating cat gang activity is an ongoing battle, and we must stay vigilant.”