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Influential Scientific Paper Written by Parakeet

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Influential Scientific Paper Written by Parakeet

The academic community was rocked Tuesday afternoon when respected biologist Dr. Jeffrey Franz admitted that he is not the author of a critical thesis on toxicology.

“I have lived with this shame for two years,” Franz told reporters at a press conference. “And I can’t deny Ziggy his due any longer.”

He was referring to his colleague, Dr. Ziggy, a parakeet who has studied the effects of pollutants on marine life his entire career. His authorship of the paper has been restored, and the Global Science Tribunal will consider revoking Dr. Franz’s membership card in the coming weeks.

Submitted by Josie Bonventre.

Puppy Model Falls Asleep During Photo Shoot

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Puppy Model Falls Asleep During Photo Shoot

Doctors of famed puppy model Cairngorm McWomble have diagnosed him with exhaustion after he fell asleep in the middle of a photo shoot on Tuesday.

Reliable sources tell The Fluffington Post that executives at Bacon Beat magazine are none too pleased with having to reschedule the important session. Their issue featuring McWomble on the cover is slated to hit newsstands May 7th.

Submitted by Elisabeth Weir.

New Jersey Cat Reads ‘Moby Dick’ Twice in One Sitting

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New Jersey Cat Reads ‘Moby Dick’ Twice in One Sitting

A cat named Charlie (full name: Charles Xavier Scotch Whiskey Ted) is a lover of 19th century literature and a speed reader to boot. He settled in with Herman Melville’s classic Moby Dick on Sunday afternoon and enjoyed it so much, he started it over again.

By 10:30 pm, he was done, and sources close to the situation say he got even more out of it on the second read.

Submitted by Emily Nakkash.

Weaponized Cat Escapes From Canadian Lab

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Weaponized Cat Escapes From Canadian Lab

The Canadian Security Intelligence Service has issued a nationwide alert that a cat with laser eyes has escaped from a Toronto testing facility and is currently unaccounted for.

The weaponized cat prototype – dubbed “Micro” – was a bio engineering breakthrough for the Canadian defense department until he got loose and began shooting lasers at scientists and civilians. While there have been a few serious injuries, there are no reported deaths.

The fast moving feline could be anywhere in the Toronto metro area, and citizens have been advised to report any sightings or abnormal cat activity to authorities.

Submitted by Nadia Rushdi.