PHOTO OP: Snacking Chinchilla
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SCANDAL: World Cup Groups Were Chosen by Chinchilla
A new scandal has rocked the Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) this week after a report leaked to the French press that alleged that the groups for this year’s opening stage of the World Cup were determined by a Chinchilla.
French newspaper L’Express reported this week that it had obtained documents showing that FIFA had given complete control of the group selection process to an ill-prepared Chinchilla named Mr. Porkchop.
“He really had no idea what he was doing,” one source told the paper on condition of anonymity. “He just locked himself in his cage for two days, and when he came out, the groups were set. It made no sense.”
Already embroiled in a corruption scandal involving how Qatar won its bid for the 2022 World Cup, another scandal could take even more attention away from the current games being played in Brazil.
“This could be very bad for FIFA,” said football historian Hans Friedrichs. “Taking bribes and awarding bids to undeserving countries is just par for the course with a corrupt organization like FIFA, but letting a chinchilla decide match groupings? This affects the sanctity of the sport. This people might not stand for.”
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Neighbors Complain About Hamster House
Police have responded to noise complaints at the home of one JC the hamster seven times in the past two weeks and have issued him four citations for disturbing the piece.
Other residents of Baker Street, where the hamster resides, describe the small rodent as easy going.
“He was never a problem until these past couple of weeks,” said one neighbor, Alan Fleischmann. “I know he’s a hamster, but he was always quiet as a mouse.”
Then JC got a wheel.
“That damn wheel,” said Mary Blevins, who lives next door. “He’s always on that goddamn wheel. Squeak, squeak, squeak. It never stops.”
Police indicated that JC has agreed to try WD-40, but if that doesn’t work, they’ll be forced to confiscate the wheel.
Hamsters Find Lasting Love on Tinder
The much-maligned mobile dating app Tinder isn’t all superficial judgement and random hookups. There are a handful of success stories like that of Mike and Abigail – two hamsters who found a real connection.
“Abigail was just swiping through a bunch of losers last weekend,” says Hannah Pohl, a girlfriend of the love-struck rodent. “Then she spotted Mike’s profile. What a hunk!”
She indicated her interest, and before she knew it, the couple was taking a romantic walk around the living room in a giant plastic sphere.
“They hit it off right away,” says Pohl. “They’re even talking about moving in together.”
Hamster Gives Up on New Year’s Resolution
Just three months into 2014, a local hamster named Phillip has abandoned his New Year’s resolution to get off the couch and get fit.
“He struggles with willpower sometimes,” says Mary Cambridge, a friend of the unmotivated rodent. “It’s like, why would he expend all that energy running around in a transparent ball when there are 9 seasons of X-Files to watch on Netflix?”
The bags of sunflower seeds in Phillip’s pantry aren’t helping either, according to sources close to the situation.