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Area Dog Accused of Being “Creepy”

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A local dog named Elvis has been accused of “creepy” behavior by neighborhood cat Mister, according to sources close to the situation. 

Vanessa Gribaldi, a friend of the cat, says Elvis doesn’t understand the concept of personal space. The cat is suing for “emotional distress.”

“He gets all up in Mister’s face without provocation or invitation,” she said. She provided The Fluffington Post with photographic evidence of the alleged infraction. “[Mister] is very stressed about the whole ordeal.”

A spokesperson for the dog, meanwhile, says the claims are without merit.

“Those two are good friends,” said Lawrence Singleton, an attorney representing Elvis. “They’re just goofing around. Mister is just upset because Elvis ate some of his food last week.”

The two are due in court next month unless a settlement can be worked out.

Submitted by Kelli Shaver.

Local Curmugeon Hires Cat to Keep Kids Off Lawn

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Noted area grumpy old man Mortimer Collins has a new weapon in his constant battle with neighborhood kids over the use of his lawn: Bruiser the cat. The muscle-bound feline has worked as a bouncer at a local biker bar for the past three years, and jumped at the opportunity to work Collins’ lawn.

“It’s great gig,” said security consultant Allyson James, whose firm was also put in a bid for the job. “Sitting out in the sun, chasing kids off a lawn beats tossing drunks out of a dingy bar any day of the week.”

Though Collins’ unexpectedly did not respond to requests for comment from The Fluffington Post, the job ad, which was posted via a handwritten notecard taped to his mailbox (literally), said the chief responsibility of the security guard would be to keep “those rascal kids from cutting threw [sic] my backyard and over my flower beds.”

It seems to be working. Bruiser only started working last week, but neighborhood chlidren have already taken notice. “Yeah, that cat is freaky,” said Timmy, age 9. “I’m gonna take the long way to the park now.”

Via LordNezazor.