kitties

USPS Suspends Friday Kitten Delivery

Bad news, kitten fans. The United States Postal Service has announced that, due to budgetary constraints, it will be forced to cease Friday kitten deliveries beginning in August. The USPS ended Saturday cat delivery in 2012.

“This is a really sad day for the USPS and for the efficient delivery of kittens,” said USPS historian Jaques Moutan. “A fully functioning feline delivery system is a vital necessity for a modern society, and I’m not sure that any of us will benefit from privatization.”

The USPS began cat deliveries in 1974 and added Saturday service to cope with demand during the kitten boom of mid-1980s. Demand remained steady throughout the next decade, spiking again with the arrival of e-commerce. But recent supply chain advances have enabled private carriers like DHL and FedEx to offer kitten delivery at better prices than the USPS.

Monday through Thursday kitten delivery will remain unaffected, but a spokesperson for the Postal Service told The Fluffington Post that more restructuring may be on the way next year.

Via Nathan Adams.

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Cat Caught in Vortex of Cuteness

The National Guard has been called in to deal with a situation developing in Chandler, AZ, where a cat is caught in what scientists are calling a “cuteness vortex.”

“The vortex is a mass of cute air that descended from the Canadian Rockies,” explained Wei-Lin Mah, a professor of cuteology at the University of Colorado. “We’ve seen a few kittens and at least one puppy get sucked into the vortex, but in most cases, it dissipates quickly.”

In the case of the Arizona cat, explained Mah, the vortex combined forces with a mass of hot air from the west and was stuck firm.

We’ll update this story as it develops…

Via ApplecriteKiller.

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Tiny Lion Terrorizes Suburban Neighborhood

Residents of Morton Grove, IL have locked themselves in their homes after hearing reports of a lion roaming the streets of the normally quiet suburb.

“It’s not clear if this is a wild animal or an escaped cat from a nearby zoo or circus,” says Officer Donald Kelly at the county sheriff’s office. “One thing’s for certain – he is ferocious, and people should not venture out into the street until he’s caught.”

A few daring locals have captured photographs of the beast.

“He’s a lot smaller than I thought,” says Brenda Walsh, who snapped the pic above. “I mean, I probably could have scooped him right up. But, it’s probably best to leave that to the authorities.”

Via mathough.

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PHOTO OP: You Have No Power to Resist Me

Via mimishkino.

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Cat Wealth Guru Recommends Tuna Stock

by Scott Friedstein, FluffPo Correspondent

Personal wealth guru Cheeto the cat has just released his annual “Hot Stocks” list, and Wall Street analysts are abuzz over one particular pick.

“I was not expecting tuna,” says Rick Nelson of CNBC. “That’s always been a high-risk sector. Wind energy and biotech would have been obvious choices. 3-D printing was huge this year. From a financial standpoint, this makes little sense.”

Some aren’t as skeptical.

“Look, Cheeto’s always been an oracle with investing,” says Bryan Canning of The Wall Street Journal. “When he pushed cardboard boxes as a Hot Stock in ‘07, people thought he was crazy. Now, of course, everybody has one. Only Cheeto could have foreseen that.”

Canning was also quick to clarify another unexpected pick – print media.

“Oh, he doesn’t think anyone will actually buy newspaper again,” says the market expert. “He really just likes to lay on it.”

Via Bmfrench.

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