kitties

Via ivankalastro.

Chicago police are on the lookout for a striped, long-haired cat named Lilian who was last seen not watering the fern she was explicitly left in charge of.

“That plant is long gone,” Alfred Cotts tells The Fluffington Post. “Lilian had one job: Keep the fern alive. But she spent all her time popping in and out of a cardboard box. She didn’t water it, or sing to it at all.”

A warrant for Lilian’s arrest has been issued by the Chicago PD, connected to two charges of willful neglect and one charge of first degree plantslaughter.

via @MelissaAlesi

Scandal rocked the wizarding world yesterday when news broke that a house elf named Codkey was actually a cat named Teddy.

“It came as quite a shock to us,” said Wendy Cresswell, whose family employed Codkey. “We immediately gave him a scarf to set him free when we found out. Though I guess… was that even necessary if he was a cat all along? I’m so confused.”

Officials at the Ministry of Elf Labor, which oversees house elf work assignments, aren’t sure how the cat was able to slip through their system.

“We thoroughly check every house elf we place,” said Argus Crabbe, a spokesperson for the Ministry. “We employ both archival research-based background checks as well as magical tests. We’ve no idea how Teddy slipped by us.”

Nor is it clear what the cat’s motives were for posing as a house elf. He could not be reached for comment.

Via The Daily Mail, H/T MilkyShaking.

Area cat and self-espoused “ladies’ man” Mr. White lives up to his moniker, according to friends.

“He’s on Tinder all day,” says Robin Seagrim, a friend of Mr. White who keeps close tabs on his dating life. “He’s a handsome guy, I’m not shy about saying so. The girls love him.”

But he runs into trouble when bringing his dates home. “He’s a little – how should I put this – self-absorbed,” says Seagrim. 

Multiple sources have confirmed that Mr. White’s bedroom decor includes a giant throw pillow with his own face on it.

“I’m not sure what he’s trying to accomplish,” says Seagrim. “But apparently he’s brought home a few dates who are so freaked out by it, they bolt on the spot.”

via @white_coffee_cat_

The North-Eastern Regional Sales Conference was Kysha’s time to shine. She had been prepping for “The Big Show” all quarter, and tensions were high, according to many of her colleagues.

“She’s been on edge for a little while now,” says Martha Chauncey, an account manager who sits across from Kysha in the office. “Her numbers for the entire year are riding on it, so I understand.”

But no sooner had Kysha checked into her hotel in Boston, MA when she realized she had left something critical behind.

“It hit her in a flash,” says Chuck Reynolds, another colleague. “Her toothbrush. It’s probably still on the bathroom counter back home.”

“Confidence is key when it comes to a sales conference like this,” Chauncey explains. “If Kysha isn’t feeling fresh and clean, she may not be able to put her best paw forward. And believe me, it’s already freaking her out.”

There has not been word on whether Kysha plans to purchase a substitute toothbrush in the hotel lobby.

via @kyshaandmika