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Area Dog Reaches Inbox Zero

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In an unprecedented turn of events, a local golden retriever named Murphy arrived at the bottom of his email inbox on Wednesday, according to multiple sources.

“I didn’t even think that was possible,” says Jesse Hiscott, a friend of the dog. “He was down to five or six unread messages, and there was a good 30 minutes when no email was coming in. He saw his chance and took it.”

It didn’t last long. Within 10 minutes of “Inbox Zero,” Murphy’s screen began filling up with social media notifications and requests from his boss at work.

“It was good while it lasted,” Hiscott added. “I don’t think its brevity should diminish the accomplishment one bit.”

via @murphysgoldenlife

Puppy Magician’s Televised Escape Scores Record Nielsen Rating

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Puppy magician Petunia the Stupendous set a broadcast TV record last night with her televised escape special on FOX. The special drew an audience of 34.5 million viewers in the United States, making it the third-most watched television event of the year, just edging out the Oscars. It was the most widely viewed non-human magic special in the history of American television, by a fairly large margin.

“The previous record was held by Skittles the Magnificent, a hamster whose 1997 retirement show in Vegas was watched by 9 million people on CBS,” said Nielsen representative Allayn Brice. “Petunia shattered that record.”

Petunia, who got her start breaking out of kennels as a puppy, has captured the imagination of the country. Her rags-to-riches story is itself quite magical, and people can’t seem to get enough of it.

In addition to last night’s hour-long special, the pup is reportedly working on a biographical documentary directed by Oliver Stone, and is consulting on Now You See Me 3. If you missed last night’s event, don’t worry – it did so well that FOX plans to rebroadcast it in August.

Via catch3.

Local Curmugeon Hires Cat to Keep Kids Off Lawn

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Noted area grumpy old man Mortimer Collins has a new weapon in his constant battle with neighborhood kids over the use of his lawn: Bruiser the cat. The muscle-bound feline has worked as a bouncer at a local biker bar for the past three years, and jumped at the opportunity to work Collins’ lawn.

“It’s great gig,” said security consultant Allyson James, whose firm was also put in a bid for the job. “Sitting out in the sun, chasing kids off a lawn beats tossing drunks out of a dingy bar any day of the week.”

Though Collins’ unexpectedly did not respond to requests for comment from The Fluffington Post, the job ad, which was posted via a handwritten notecard taped to his mailbox (literally), said the chief responsibility of the security guard would be to keep “those rascal kids from cutting threw [sic] my backyard and over my flower beds.”

It seems to be working. Bruiser only started working last week, but neighborhood chlidren have already taken notice. “Yeah, that cat is freaky,” said Timmy, age 9. “I’m gonna take the long way to the park now.”

Via LordNezazor.