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Local Dog Takes Entire Summer Off, No Regrets

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Steve had it up to “here” with the 9-to-5. An awful commute, nonstop meetings, and an inbox that just wouldn’t quit.

So he did – well, not exactly.

“He’s way to valuable around here,” says Connie Jasper. “He realized they would never fire him in a million years. So he took some time off.”

“Some time” being the entire months of June, July, and August.

“He works really hard, and I’m sure he can afford it,” says Jasper.

Sources say Steve is “straight chilling,” and spending lots of his newfound time in hammocks.

via @dareochu.

Area Dog Accused of Being “Creepy”

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A local dog named Elvis has been accused of “creepy” behavior by neighborhood cat Mister, according to sources close to the situation. 

Vanessa Gribaldi, a friend of the cat, says Elvis doesn’t understand the concept of personal space. The cat is suing for “emotional distress.”

“He gets all up in Mister’s face without provocation or invitation,” she said. She provided The Fluffington Post with photographic evidence of the alleged infraction. “[Mister] is very stressed about the whole ordeal.”

A spokesperson for the dog, meanwhile, says the claims are without merit.

“Those two are good friends,” said Lawrence Singleton, an attorney representing Elvis. “They’re just goofing around. Mister is just upset because Elvis ate some of his food last week.”

The two are due in court next month unless a settlement can be worked out.

Submitted by Kelli Shaver.

Area Dog Reaches Inbox Zero

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In an unprecedented turn of events, a local golden retriever named Murphy arrived at the bottom of his email inbox on Wednesday, according to multiple sources.

“I didn’t even think that was possible,” says Jesse Hiscott, a friend of the dog. “He was down to five or six unread messages, and there was a good 30 minutes when no email was coming in. He saw his chance and took it.”

It didn’t last long. Within 10 minutes of “Inbox Zero,” Murphy’s screen began filling up with social media notifications and requests from his boss at work.

“It was good while it lasted,” Hiscott added. “I don’t think its brevity should diminish the accomplishment one bit.”

via @murphysgoldenlife

Puppy Magician’s Televised Escape Scores Record Nielsen Rating

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Puppy magician Petunia the Stupendous set a broadcast TV record last night with her televised escape special on FOX. The special drew an audience of 34.5 million viewers in the United States, making it the third-most watched television event of the year, just edging out the Oscars. It was the most widely viewed non-human magic special in the history of American television, by a fairly large margin.

“The previous record was held by Skittles the Magnificent, a hamster whose 1997 retirement show in Vegas was watched by 9 million people on CBS,” said Nielsen representative Allayn Brice. “Petunia shattered that record.”

Petunia, who got her start breaking out of kennels as a puppy, has captured the imagination of the country. Her rags-to-riches story is itself quite magical, and people can’t seem to get enough of it.

In addition to last night’s hour-long special, the pup is reportedly working on a biographical documentary directed by Oliver Stone, and is consulting on Now You See Me 3. If you missed last night’s event, don’t worry – it did so well that FOX plans to rebroadcast it in August.

Via catch3.