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Kitten vs. Bunny Rematch Expected to Break Pay-Per-View Records

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Eat your heart out, WrestleMania.  According to television ratings analysts, the highly anticipated upcoming July 4 rematch between a kitten and a bunny is expected to shatter previous pay-per-view records.

“We’ve already sold 930,000 units in the New York City metro area alone,” said a spokesperson for Time Warner Cable.  The expectation is for over 15 million buys nationwide, far surpassing records for heavyweight boxing, WWE or UFC events. Revenue is expected to approach three quarters of a billion dollars.

“With the fragmentation in today’s media landscape, I never thought we’d see numbers like this again,” said television historian Arthur Cobb.  “But this kitten and this bunny are huge – they’re bigger than Holyfield and Tyson.  By a long shot.“

The latest odds have the kitten as a 3:1 favorite.

Via Reddit.

Duckling Runs Elusive 4-Minute Mile

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With a little encouragement, a baby duck named Charley ran just over one mile in four minutes – a milestone for any athlete.

“He’s really built up his endurance in recent months,” says Julio Medders, one of Charley’s running buddies. “I knew he was going to hit the mark, I just didn’t think it would be so soon.”

Via YouTube.

US Synchronized Cuteness Team Favorite for Olympic Gold Medal

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According to sports experts, the United States’ synchronized cuteness team competing in the cat division at the 2012 Olympic Games in London, England this summer have a real shot at winning a gold medal.

The team, which won silver at the World Championships last fall, have really coalesced as a unit since then.  “They’re gelling at the absolute best time,“ said Joel Hollenbeck, the cuteness analyst for NBC Sports.  “If they’re as cute in London as I have seen them in practice the last couple of weeks, there’s no doubt in my mind they’re the team to beat.”

The US is expected to face its stiffest competition from the Scottish team, whose all-Fold squad is always a hit with judges and the media.

Cat Suffers From Identity Crisis

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A local cat named Rambo has been diagnosed with cerebral caniform identity disorder – or in layman’s terms: she thinks she’s a dog.

“She started playing fetch last week,” according to Dr. Julius Fefferbaum, who has been treating the confused kitten.  “This was preceded by long periods of barking and uncontrollable bacon cravings.“

Fefferbaum says that while cerebral caniform identity disorder is rare, it is treatable, and that with a few months of extensive psychotherapy, Rambo should be back to believing she is a cat.

Via Reddit.

Cat’s Manners Caught on Video

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Miss Kitty, the host of local television station KTTY’s Kitty Kat Korner, has a PR nightmare on her hands, after she was caught on tape sticking her paws into a public water dish.  “Miss Kitty regrets the her decision to stick her paws in the dish,“ read a statement released by her agent, Steve Bell. “She had been in the set for 12 hours straight and wasn’t in her right mind.  She thought she was in her private trailer with a personal dish of water.”

Several crew members on the show reportedly quit after seeing the video on YouTube.