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Local Curmugeon Hires Cat to Keep Kids Off Lawn

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Noted area grumpy old man Mortimer Collins has a new weapon in his constant battle with neighborhood kids over the use of his lawn: Bruiser the cat. The muscle-bound feline has worked as a bouncer at a local biker bar for the past three years, and jumped at the opportunity to work Collins’ lawn.

“It’s great gig,” said security consultant Allyson James, whose firm was also put in a bid for the job. “Sitting out in the sun, chasing kids off a lawn beats tossing drunks out of a dingy bar any day of the week.”

Though Collins’ unexpectedly did not respond to requests for comment from The Fluffington Post, the job ad, which was posted via a handwritten notecard taped to his mailbox (literally), said the chief responsibility of the security guard would be to keep “those rascal kids from cutting threw [sic] my backyard and over my flower beds.”

It seems to be working. Bruiser only started working last week, but neighborhood chlidren have already taken notice. “Yeah, that cat is freaky,” said Timmy, age 9. “I’m gonna take the long way to the park now.”

Via LordNezazor.

Fermi Paradox Blows Local Kitten’s Mind

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Skittles was, by all accounts, your average kitten. She liked to play with string, eat premium chow from time to time. But when a friend explained the Fermi paradox to her late Sunday night, something changed.

“She’s been thinking about it ever since,” says Michelle Baker, who outlined the famous theory for Skittles. The Fermi paradox concerns the odds that extra-terrestrial life will ever make contact with Earth. While the universe is unfathomably big (making it unlikely we will ever make contact with intelligent life), it also contains millions of habitable planets (making it likely that aliens exist and have possibly already found us).

Sources close to the situation report that Skittles spent all of Monday morning running numbers and scenarios in her mind. “She’s really having trouble deciding which side of the paradox to come down on. Also, she’s a little freaked out about the idea that aliens are probably already aware of Earth, and we’ll probably meet them in about 1,500 years.”

via birdly420