PHOTO OP: Peanut Thief
PHOTO OP: Peanut Thief
Cops Bust Squirrel for Reckless Driving
Police in Somerville, MA have arrested a 2-year-old squirrel named Hank after receiving a report that he was driving erratically on Medford Street. Patrol cars attempted to pull the squirrel over, but he did not respond to the sirens, according to the police report.
“I called in some backup and we pinned his vehicle with a blockade,” says George Sevalis, the officer who made the arrest. “He didn’t seem to know or care that we were chasing him.”
There are no indications that Hank was driving under the influence, and he was not transporting anything illegal, though authorities did find a large cache of nuts in the trunk.
“He claims they’re his, and that he recently dug them up after the winter,” says Sevalis. “But we’re looking into it.”
2016 Presidential Candidate Squirrel Tests Stump Speech
The memory of the 2012 U.S. presidential election has barely had time to fade, but already political pundits have their eye toward 2016. Prospective candidates have started to raise money, form exploratory committees and test speeches.
When it comes to the 2016 field, everyone agrees that Barry the squirrel has a good shot to be the Republican nominee for president.
The charismatic rodent from Florida has been testing his stump speech in Iowa and New Hampshire the past week, an indication, think many, that he intends to run for president.
“Barry has a lot going from him,” according to MSNBC analyst Jenna Gwin. “He’s young, he’s popular in a swing state and he’s already shown the ability to raise a lot of money.”
Barry’s press team released a noncommittal statement last week indicating that the squirrel has not yet made any plans for 2016.
Squirrel Finishes Last Bit of Halloween Candy
In an effort that took more than two weeks, an area squirrel named Carl polished off the last Snickers bar in his Trick-or-Treat bag Sunday.
“With the winter coming, we honestly expected this sooner,” says candy analyst Chip Foster. “Looks like Carl is headed for hibernation with a belly full of corn sugar.”
Squirrel Caught Cheating on His Diet
According to reports, a squirrel named Sid has been reprimanded after being caught eating a peanut, a strict no-no according to his new diet. As his nutritionist tells The Fluffington Post, Sid’s deep-seated self-control issues once again got the best of him.
“Sid is a very overweight squirrel,” says Cheryl Frumm. “If he wants to make any progress, he’s going to have to learn to resist temptation. As his state-appointed nutritionist, it is my responsibility to ensure he avoids all foods high in saturated fat. This includes egg yolks, butter, muffins, and yes, peanuts.”
Frumm could not be reached for further comment as she had begun to chase Sid, who appeared to be eating a slab of bacon.
Replays Show Squirrel Was Safe at Home
After reviewing tape from last night’s Forest World Series game between the Central Park Squirrels and the Yellowstone Chipmunks, star Squirrels third basemen Steve Fluffson appeared to actually be safe.
The squirrel was called out sliding into home plate in the fifth inning, a controversial call that got both managers out of their respective dugouts and would have given the Squirrels the lead at the time. The Chipmunks eventually won the game.
The two teams will meet for a game five tomorrow night in New York.
Cat/Squirrel Roommate Conflict Reaches Head
By Scott Friedstein, FluffPo Correspondent
According to reports, Lyle the cat has finally put his paw down after a series of infractions committed by his squirrel roommate, Buford. Sources close to the situation tell The Fluffington Post that Buford has been effectively locked out of the pair’s apartment since misplacing his keys this morning.
“It had to happen,” says James Runson, a friend of the two. “Buford was always borrowing Lyle’s DVDs and never returning them. Then there was the garbage situation — Buford would never do it when it was his week. He can’t keep track of his keys but he somehow has no problem leaving acorns all over the place. Somebody had to set him straight.”
.0001% Chance Squirrel Could Be Republican Nominee, Say Analysts
Though the Republican National Convention is already upon us, analysts at the Hastings Institute for Political Science have repeatedly noted that there’s a chance — albeit infinitesimally small — that a squirrel named Conrad could become the party’s nominee in Tampa, FL.
“His name was added to some RNC forms back in June,” says Francis Overmeyer. “It’s highly likely that Romney will be the party’s nominee, but we suspect there’s a .0001% chance that Conrad the squirrel could cause an upset.”
While this outcome would certainly complicate Republican strategy for the November election, Conrad does poll slightly higher than Romney in the crucial swing state of Ohio.
Via Steven Guzzardi.
PHOTO OP: Mr. Squirrel, I Presume