Doggie Bandits Make Clean Getaway

By Scott Friedstein, FluffPo Correspondent

According to reports, a family of dogs known as the Tennessee Mutts are still at large after robbing a local Petco. The career criminals and golden retrievers have become notorious in the greater Dallas area for their brazen thefts, mostly involving rawhide.

Witnesses say the dogs entered the store around noon, cleverly disguised as employees. 

“I really didn’t think much of it at the time,” says Gina Rudd. “But then people started shouting, ‘Get those dogs!’ Apparently they’d taken all the rawhide. But they were just too quick.”

Authorities tell The Fluffington Post that the Mutts snatched around $500 worth of treats before driving off in a rented Ford F150.

“We’re telling everyone to be on the lookout,” says Deputy Sheriff Roy Hardwick. “If you see a family of golden retrievers randomly hanging out in the bed of a pickup truck, please contact the local authorities. Do not, and I repeat, do not Instagram it — you’ll only encourage them.”

Via yellowarrior. Originally published on HelloGiggles.

Ferret Cast in ‘Hangover’ Sequel

By Scott Friedstein, FluffPo Correspondent

The Hangover Part III may be hitting theaters later this month, but that hasn’t stopped studio executives from planning yet another sequel. Early word is that The Hangover: Ferrets has already been greenlit, and its lead actor cast.

“We really wanted Part III to be the last one” says producer Daniel Goldberg. “The thing is, the demand for ferret comedies is huge right now. We’d be dumb to pass up an opportunity like this.”

The film will star Hollywood heavyweight Eddie as a ferret who parties a bit too hard one evening, and must retrace his steps to find his missing ferret buddy. 

“It’s a real nightmare situation,” says Goldberg. “His friend’s gone, his hotel suite’s trashed, and there’s a Bengal tiger just roaming around. Plus there’s a baby ferret that randomly showed up overnight. Never a good thing.”

Rated R for language and comic mischief involving ferrets, The Hangover: Ferrets is slated for a summer 2014 release.

Via Lynahe.

Kitty Cuddle Session Shut Down

By Scott Friedstein, FluffPo Correspondent

According to reports out of Portland, OR, two cats have been cited for indecent cuddling. Authorities say that Frankie and Duncan were found underneath a blanket, apparently hiding while they committed the act.

“You see this kind of thing all the time,” says Officer Ray Birchum, who issued the cats summonses after receiving an anonymous tip. “Cuddling, snuggling, snoozling — whatever you want to call it, they were doing it in broad daylight. Cats think they can get away with it just because they’re cute. They are. But they’re not above the law.” 

A representative for the cats tells The Fluffington Post that they plan to fight the accusations.

Via @mitdasein.

Puppy Sees First Ice Cream Truck

By Scott Friedstein, FluffPo Correspondent

According to reports, Greta the puppy has spotted an ice cream truck for the first time. Sources on the ground confirm that the pup has successfully identified the vehicle and is now running toward it at full speed.

“Whoa, look at her go!” says neighbor Greg Quinn. “I wonder what she’s going to get — maybe a sno-cone, or a fudgesicle… or maybe one of those Pink Panther pops with the gumballs for the eyes. Do they still make those? Either way, she looks pretty hungry.”

Greta was reported to be out on her afternoon walk when the familiar strains of Scott Joplin’s “The Entertainer” caught her ear.

“Oh, boy. Once she heard that, it was all over,” says Helen Lloyd, a close friend. “Of course she doesn’t know that song, because she’s a dog. She still had to see what it was, though.”

When asked what Greta was after exactly, Lloyd could only speculate.

“I have no idea,” says Lloyd. “Maybe it’s one of those Choco Tacos. Or Push-Ups — those are nice. Or maybe it’s one of those Ninja Turtle pops with the gumballs for the eyes. It could be anything, really.”

At press time, The Fluffington Post could not confirm the puppy’s selection as she was still waiting in line.

Via Uwe Maeurer. Originally published on HelloGiggles.

Area Cat Refuses to Box

By Scott Friedstein, FluffPo Correspondent

According to reports, Louie the cat has refused to take part in the oft-practiced kitty pastime known as “boxing.” Usually, a cat will see a box, lie down in it, and stay in that position for an indeterminate amount of time. 

Not Louie.

The cat’s owner tells The Fluffington Post that Louie outright rejected the box he was presented with last week.

“I thought he would love it,” says Roger Blake. “He just stared at me like, ‘what am I supposed to do with this?’ I was really taken aback.”

Though not unheard of, Louie’s behavior is considered unusual among experts.

“Louie should have had no reservations accepting the box as his temporary home,” says feline behaviorist Linda Fiore. “It seems that, sadly, he has forgotten how to cat.”

Via cyale4.

Local Dog is a Total Chick Magnet

By Scott Friedstein, FluffPo Correspondent

No one knows how he does it.

According to sources, Flip the dog is a veritable expert when it comes to attracting chicks. Once an average border collie, Flip has intrigued animal lovers and scientific experts alike with his uncanny ability to pick up loads of chicks. 

“Flip has a skill virtually unrivaled in the dog community,” says zoologist Kirk Horton. “Or the human community, for that matter. Once chicks come to him, they don’t leave. To be honest, I’m kind of jealous.”

Friends say they’re baffled by the dog’s sudden talent.

“It’s like somebody flipped a switch,” says Ryan Deal. “He never used to get any chicks — they barely even noticed him. But not anymore. Chicks love him.”

And it only got worse over the Easter holiday.

“Oh, man,” says Deal. “The chicks were everywhere. In baskets, in marshmallow form — it was like Christmas for him. But with chicks.”

Via YourFavoriteMartyr. This post originally appeared on HelloGiggles.

‘Yep, Right There,’ Says Cat

By Scott Friedstein, FluffPo Correspondent

According to sources, Izzy the cat is currently in the throes of an exceptionally satisfying scratch session. The cat’s owner tells The Fluffington Post that it happened largely by accident, but seems to really be working. 

“I just started scratching him underneath his chin,” says Phil LaBute, showing the patented scratch. “That was about four hours ago. I’m no cat expert, but I’d say he likes it.”

Others seem to agree.

“Oh yeah, he definitely likes it,” says cat expert Mark Brunault. “He’s purring pretty loud — that means he’s a happy kitty. That guy should not stop doing that.”

Via floodlightpurveyor.

Puppy Mover Skimps on the Job

By Scott Friedstein, FluffPo Correspondent

George had come with stellar references.

The budding mover and puppy had been hired to relocate Frank Washburn from his walk-up apartment in Queens, NY to his new home in Long Island. Everything was coming along smoothly — that is, until it was time to get the sofa in. 

“He couldn’t get it through the front door, so he told me he would have to use the side entrance,” says Washburn. He spent about a half hour trying to get it in through there before he realized that wasn’t going to work. Then he decided it was the cushions — he rearranged those for a bit. Then he pretty much just gave up. The sofa is still outside.”

Calls to George Moving, LLC were not returned, presumably because George was still napping at the time.

Via Osmondcraig

Celebrity Llama Outed at Underbiters Anonymous

By Stephanie Buck, Chief Llama Correspondent

Colorful radio personality, DJ Shear Force, was spotted exiting an alleged 12-step program in Sacramento, CA Wednesday evening.  

Witnesses eating gluten-free carrot cake in a nearby cafe say the local celeb exited an unassuming basement conference room on K Street, a known gathering place for recovering underbiters. 

“His fur looked really mottled, like he hadn’t slept in weeks,” shared an emotional onlooker. “It’s so tragic that he would let an underbite mess with his life. He has kids to look after!”

Shear Force’s employer, 102.7 The Herd, could not be reached for comment.

Via Tambako the Jaguar.