Newborn Kitten Wins Powerball Jackpot

News of the rising Powerball prize had the entire country excited last week, and none more so than Roger, a days-old kitten from Florida who zipped out to a local convenience store as soon as he learned to open his eyes.

“Personally, I think he should have focused on eating and getting comfortable on four legs,” says Miranda Chambers, a neighbor. “But he was determined to get that ticket!”

It certainly paid off. Roger is the sole winner of the $590 million jackpot.

“Not bad for being alive less than a week,” says Chambers.

Friends of the kitten say he will use the money to pay off some credit card debt, take care of his family, buy a helicopter, and donate the rest to charity.

Submitted by Kitty Moreau.

PHOTO OP: Afternoon Nap

Via solomangrundle.

Radioactive Cat Acquires Lame Super Power

A cat named Bailey was excited to learn he had been exposed to radioactive sewage on a recent vacation in Japan.

“Most cats would be a little freaked out to know they were radioactive,” says John Herling, a friend of the feline. “Not Bailey. He started making plans for the superhero lifestyle — a cool name, spandex costume, crime fighting gadgets — the works.”

Though his doctors stressed the seriousness of his condition, and that acquiring paranormal abilities is not the norm, Bailey was unfazed. It turns out his health is fine, and he did gain a super power. But not one from his wish list.

“He can become rainbow colored,” says Herling. “He can turn it off and on at will. It’s great for parties, but it doesn’t really help with crime fighting. He’s really bummed about it. He’s been moping around since last Tuesday when he found out. If you see a sad, furry rainbow in the corner, that’s probably him, sulking.”

Via actualmarc, originally published on HelloGiggles.

Cat Puts Left Paw In, Refuses to Shake It All About

In what’s already being called “PokeyGate” by the local press, a cat named Smithers stunned onlookers yesterday when he refused to follow instructions during a heated round of hokey pokey.

According to several reports, Smithers put his left paw in when instructed, but then flouted repeated requests to “shake it all about.”

“The rules exist for a reason,” said hokey pokey expert Steve Randolph. “He made a mockery of game. There should be swift and severe penalties from the IHPB.”

The IHPB — or International Hokey Pokey Board — which governs professional play worldwide, has not yet reached a decision about any punishment for Smithers.

Via stokesy67.

PHOTO OP: In Hiding

Via peppegio89.

Kitty Regrets Spending Life Savings on Promoted Tweets

Though they are definitely part of the 1%, cats have never been known as great money managers.  They tend to come from old money, and they’re terrible at spending it wisely.

With the advent of the Internet, there are more ways than ever for cats to blow their fortunes.

It should be no surprise, then, that a cat named Aisha spent her entire life savings on promoted tweets. 

“What really boggles my mind,” said Joe Ramirez, a financial manager who attempted to dissuade the kitty from spending her money on the tweets, “is that she wasn’t even promoting anything that would make her more money. It was just jokes and memes.”

Aisha has moved back in with her mom. She did not wish to comment for this piece, except to convey that she regrets spending so much money on Twitter marketing.

Via carolsales__.

Cat Gets First Collar, Job, Own Apartment

Maisy has been an indoor cat for most of her life, but after turning five last week, she was informed that everything was about to change.  It’s time for Maisy to head outdoors.

“Our little girl is growing up!” gushed Melinda Williamson, who raised Maisy since she was a kitten. “She’s got her first collar, she’s going out on job interviews, and soon she’ll be moving out.”

While Maisy was a little scared at first to leave home, she’s warmed to the idea. 

“She’s five now, so it’s really time to cut the apron strings,” said close friend Amy Carrothers, 18, who will be heading off to college next fall. “Unfortunately, she didn’t have the grades to get into the same school as me, like we’d planned. But she’ll get a job, find a place. We’ll still see each other.”

According to Carrothers, Maisy is excited at the idea of being on her own and making all her own choices.

“If she wants to stay up all night eating cookie dough, she totally can now,” she said. “If she wants to sit around and nap in the sun all day, she can do that too. The world is her oyster.”

Via .K.

Area Cats Reject Reality, Live in Fantasy World

A pair of local cats, Dora the tuxedo and Luna the tabby, have declared their basement the “Barony of Fluff,” and are refusing to speak to anyone who doesn’t recognize the made-up kingdom.

“It’s lunacy,” said Susan Wolpert, who lets the basement to the kitties. “They owe me two months rent, but now they’re claiming that I owe them because of some archaic, feudal land-grant system they’ve set up.”

The two cats have reportedly built a fortress out of old cardboard boxes and are preparing for a long siege.

Via little_friends.

Kitten’s Escape Thwarted by Paralyzing Fear of Outside

A local kitten’s daring escape was thwarted earlier today by what appears to have been a paralyzing fear of the outside. Once Henry the cat had cleared the front door, witnesses say his eyes grew very wide and he became very still.

“Then a twig snapped,” recounted on witness, “and he bolted under the front steps.”

It took authorities and crisis counselors two hours two hours to coax Henry from his hiding place, but he is now safe at home, resting with his family.

Via Paolo Margari.